And then there were Five. July 24, 2012

“And then there were five.“

I honestly have no idea of what this means, but for quite a few months, this has been bouncing in and out of my head…with no rhyme or reason, no set time, and no hint of what the heck it means.

Sometimes I stop to wonder what it means, other times, I move on with the moment, and forget about it. Today I am writing about it. Will it make it more real… and will it make it make more sense?

I run through all the things I think it would commonly mean..

5 children… uh uh. Makes no sense at all. I have 3. And that is enough. 2 grandchildren.  And that is enough. For now.

5 properties…which makes more sense, but am not really searching for #5 right now. Later, but  not now.

5 years… Most breast cancer survivors understand this one. 5 years is a biggie moment, a cause for Celebration. Statistically 85% of us will make it to the 5th year. I’ve just completed the 3rd year lap by the way…

5 what?…. I have no idea. This is the question.

Could it be the name of the book I will write one day? This seems to ring the loudest, clearest, and truest, although it was not at all what I had in mind. I had a completely different title picked out. This was not it. But for some reason, when these five words “And then there were five” settles in my head, so does the thought of a book.  I have Googled it… no book yet called this. Maybe it is waiting just for me.

I’m rambling this morning, trying to make sense of this, hoping for a magical moment to appear, to lead me in the right direction of what this means. I’m also wondering why I don’t have enough faith to believe that this is what it is, and to begin the process of just starting to write. I am always looking for the perfect time, the perfect day, a day of quiet, a perfect spot to start. Aren’t most of us, I wonder?

I think to myself, when the house gets a bit quieter I will start, maybe when I can find a nice spot at the lake, I will begin.  I do believe as Adults, we do this to ourselves all the time… we put our dreams, our aspirations on hold. Tucked away on a shelf somewhere. Collecting dust, till they get too old to make sense anymore. Maybe we allow ourselves the excuse that we don’t have the time…, but is it really more about us being afraid to take the plunge, and do something we love? Just because.  Simply because. Without feeling like we need to explain it, or without feeling like we are being selfish because we are tending to something that is calling us.

When I was a young child, and an adult, I was steady and sure in my decisions, every move was calculated and thought out. And it all made logical sense. 3 years ago, after completing treatments, I was reckless to a fault, trying to push the stamp, challenging life a little too much. For a while, fear and recklessness = Alive.

I find I am now settling back into what was me…before the scare. Before the cancer.

Truth is.. I would like to settle somewhere in between.  My logical side is starting to come back loud and strong, telling me I don’t have time to tend to the things that nurture me, telling me that it would be selfish to enjoy the things I enjoy. I am starting to make excuses again for myself.. for my lack of spontaneous actions.

Yes, I would like to settle somewhere in between. I would like to jump into things with total abandon like I did, just a few short years ago.. not worrying  about the outcome. This common sense thing is stifling who I am meant to be, darn it. I wonder if I can somehow tuck a bit of it away on a shelf.. to collect dust, till it gets so old that it doesn’t make sense any more.

Yes, I am rambling this morning, trying to make sense of this, hoping for a magical moment to appear, to lead me in the right direction of what this means.  So, thanks for listening, and playing along with me. Maybe this will help to stir up some thoughts within you.  Maybe bring back some questions, some dreams,  and some aspirations.  Happy Hunting… may we all the find the life we were intended to live.